When you get the same message from two completely different places within a week, it's hard not to pay attention.
My dance teacher had to nudge me into applying to move up a level. I kept thinking "no, I'm not ready, I'm scared, it's a waste of time..." When I finally bit the bullet and came in for the test, I succeeded. I even feel like there are aspects where I'm already on point in that higher class (thank you marching band for giving an awareness of where my fellow performers are!).
I had a performance review at work, and the biggest critique I got was around confidence. I know what I'm doing, what I do I do well, but I'm too scared to just act. I could be a leader, but I'm locked up in myself instead.
It's hard not to feel like this has a broader meaning.
How much mental energy do I spend agonizing over decisions I've already effectively made?
How much time do I waste, how many opportunities do I miss because I assume that I'm not ready?
How much more good could I put into the world if I wasn't so afraid?
I can't confidently say that everything would be better overall if I were bolder. I'm insecure, that's the whole problem, and I wouldn't be here if there wasn't a huge part of me that believed that my instincts are untrustworthy, that I am a horrible person and should stay in my shell...
I can't be confident.
But, maybe, just for a little bit, I can see what happens if I pretend. If I force myself to try things that may not be good ideas. To just act.
So here I am. Part of me hopes that no one will find me, because I am scared as hell. But that's the whole point.
Because part of me wants to be bold. I want to be seen, and not just for the shell I've made around myself.
I don't even know what this is yet. I don't even know who I am.
But I can't find out curled up in shadow.
